 |
Written
by Dallen "Paki" Stanford |
OXY TIGERS 64 v SAN LUIS OBISPO 12
January 22 2005
“The fun stops here” – Mason
Bizzell.
Division Two rugby is never shy to throw the
occasional haymaker – this week seeing some random
pulled off the street to referee our match as the official
referee woke up in Washington DC after a bender of an evening.
Rumor has it he was last seen hitting a bottle Captain Morgan
with DO…
Before Mason ‘the Fun Sheriff’
Bizzell could begin his farewell to the Tigers – it
was in fact his own team mates who cracked the champagne
for him. The try feast was started by Mike ‘the iron
man’ Molfetta (who drove all the way from India) as
he burrowed his way over the tryline like a homesick mole.
Next Paki slipped through like a runny nose to open up his
personal account with Citi Bank. Team-try-of-the-Day: Blue
Bulls Thys Wallace smashing it up in midfield - pick and
charge by WWF Moi – off load to Marius Joubert (Scud)
who threw the no looker to Slinkerrrr OVVVVA. Get out the
road.
Even with several substitutes in the second
half it did not affect the riot. Frank the Tank –
however – only lasted a total of 5 minutes before
he was seen attacking an ice cream van down the road. Jake
Slinker added a brace of tries – including rare footage
of him actually catching the ball. New kid on the block
Maruis Joubert put one in the try zone to the delight of
Mrs Scud who almost flashed the crowds in her excitement.
But jerk of the day must have been the Tigers Captain. The
Pakistani – hating the flyhalf position like Hilton
Warmback and a bottle cane – ghosted through for 4
tries each time putting in the massive dive – smashing
the ball away like an empty beer cup. Keep the change. They’re
playing my song.
Moment-of-the-Day, besides DO arriving, was
speedster Andre ‘Girlkie’ van Schalkwyk who
may have the same problem as Derek Zoolander (he simply
can’t turn left). Girlkie – who could easily
get lost in a car park – went on a 60 metre rampage
almost taking out all the players (on both teams) and spectators.
His net gain was however only 4 metres.
The whitewash did see some positives with
the forwards working as a unit – and the backline
practicing their finishing – all in readiness for
the titanic match against LA next weekend.
The Tsunami match was another entertaining
coat-hanger. Besides Mason Bizzell ruining everyone’s
fun with the whistle glued to his mouth Highlight-of-the-Day
belonged to Hilton Warmback. An OXY player knocks the ball
on - then picks it up and kicks it ahead – the ball
is then collected by an OXY player in an off-side position
with the referee Warmback saying “play on –
nothing wrong with that!”. About as useful as an underwater
golf course.
The Tigers also welcomed new team physio/doctor
Yael who was all over the field like grass. “I told
you so” is all winger Jan-Marie will remember before
he ignored Yael’s advice and played on with an injury
hoping for his second drop-goal in two matches. The Frenchman
hasn’t walked since.
POST MATCH
The first home match for the Tigers was always
going to be complete CARNAGE. Meat used his standard excuse
(movies with the girlfriend), with Frank the Tank unable
to attend as he was in police custard(y) for breaking into
VONS.
The Springbok Bar sponsored sensational boeriewors
rolls – which incidentally went down like Tyler Bizzell
and a grenade. But the main attraction wasn’t the
free keg but something called HULA HU LA LA. Unbelievable
scenes with the golf ball game going down like Hilters European
poison tour.
San Luis Obispo were full value for money
as they began SHOOTING THE BOOT for a laugh. An absolute
classic.
The crowds pulled in to wish the Fun Sheriff
farewell presenting him with an TIGERS 7s jersey as well
as a framed photo from the victorious beach tournament.
After several golf balls and two boots Paki came out with
Comment-of-the-Day during his farewell speech to the Sheriff:
“I just want to say Mason has an AMAZING wife, and
a BEAUTIFUL girlfriend…”
WHAAT. Belmont Shore’s Dave van der
Wath (who couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat) pulled
a rabbit from his sleeve as he produced a printed Shirt
for Bizzell reading “THE FUN STOPS HERE!”.
That it did as drinks went down like Monica
Lewinski. DO, Ruggered and Chris were on fire with the ladies
– with Brad Speers almost coming right. He was in
the mix until he tried grabbing some innocent girl’s
fun bags. BOOM slap in the face.
The college buggers were on fine form –
dominating as expected – when the farewell headed
towards the ocean. It was there where Frank the Tank may
have met his match. Picture the exit: Girlkie and Paki literally
CARRYING Hilton Warmback out of the bar when the crowds
start chanting “the Hilt, the Hilt!!!”.
If only he could talk…
